Well, that answers that. Adora has a connection to the She-ra's of the past, but not to their actions.
She's got no grounds to act like anything they did is her responsibility.
"Does it matter what they think of Mara?" It's an important question. If making the First Ones - if making Adora's parents - understand is something that Adora needs to do, then Catra will put everything she has into making it happen. "...You're different people, Adora. You know that, don't you? Whatever issue they have, that's with Mara. It isn't with you."
Adora's gaze escapes downwards again, almost guilty. It's just-- the way Catra can say those things so easily, completely detached from that twisting clump of knots that makes up all of Adora's thoughts, her duties, her regrets. It makes Adora wish she could step outside her own head for once, just so she could see things Catra's way. So she could really believe it wholesale when she says this isn't your fault, or it doesn't always have to be you.
But she can't.
"It's not that simple, Catra. Even if we're different, we're both still She-ra, and..." She releases the admission on a sigh, so heavy it slumps her shoulders. "I believe she was right. She was faced with an impossible decision, and she made the least destructive choice. If it were me back then, I can't imagine doing anything different."
Adora's back straightens as she speaks, body growing rigid with conviction. "I mean, I shattered the sword. I disabled the Heart. I didn't want to be a pawn in the First Ones' plans any more than Mara did. So if to them, she's a traitor, I'm... just as bad."
"All you had to do was say 'yes, Catra. My ego is tied up in some complete strangers' opinions about something that someone else did over a thousand years ago'." Catra almost rolls her eyes. And then does do it, because Adora's stupid and that just needs to be expressed somehow. "I still don't see how sharing a magic sword and a few opinions means you may as well have been Mara yourself. So what if you agree with her? I agreed with Hordak, once. You think that makes me responsible for the things he did?"
Because she makes enough bad choices on her own without taking his on too, thank you.
"It's different, Catra!" Adora's listless disposition simmers with a rising wave of frustration, and she throws one arm out beside her as she speaks, the other clinging to Melog. "I still agree with her. I'm never going to see her as the villain in the story, the way they do. It's-- it's--"
She trips over her own thoughts in her fluster, struggling to explain the gravity of the situation to the person closest to her, who, from her flat expression, simply does not seem to get why this is a big deal.
"You heard the way they talked about She-ra. What I believe, what I know to be true, those things don't matter. It's not about Mara being bad, or me being bad -- I know why things happened the way they did. But I can explain our reasoning to them until I'm blue in the face and it won't change a thing. It won't undo what their people went through. It won't take their pain away."
She pushes the words out in a rushed, fervent stream, each one scraping against her sandpaper-throat. An idle thought surfaces: I wish we'd stayed for tea, but she quickly stamps it down.
"Look--... Don't you get it?" She searches Catra's eyes, halfway to pleading. "It was the same for you, too."
She holds Adora's gaze for as long as she can, and then Catra has to look away. She doesn't want to argue with Adora. She's tired, and Adora has to be too, and even the uncomfortable lashing of her tail is less energetic than usual.
Catra closes her eyes. She really just -- wants to go home.
"No, it wasn't." The softness of her voice keeps it from scratching. Catra's pace slows, and then stops; it takes Melog a couple more steps before they do the same, turning in a semi-circle to face her. She meets Adora's eyes again, and tries to will her to get it. "That was personal. That was-- It wasn't because of stories, Adora. We actually did things to each-other."
Isn't that the understatement of the century.
"It was because I was an idiot." She exhales a long breath, one that's more drained than annoyed, and raises a hand to rub the fur around her eyes in frustration. "And it didn't take me a thousand years to get over it. These people don't even know what it was like for the First Ones. They're not hurting," and it's a real issue, that Adora can't see that; "they're jealous. They've heard stories about what their ancestors had and they think they're entitled to it. They don't actually care about what happened. They only care that they feel like they've been cheated out of having something better than what they've got."
So, actually. Maybe not that different after all.
"...What do you want us to do, Adora?" Catra's hand drops, so she can look at her again, and she just. She doesn't know how to help. She's trying to hold up her end of their promise but it's hard, and harder still when she fundamentally disagrees with Adora's reasoning. So maybe it's time to stop trying to argue the point and just - go with it, for a while. Try to untangle the issues along the way. Isn't that what a friend does? "I'll help you, so just -- tell me, okay?"
Adora listens to Catra in silence. Her throat bobs in places with the urge to dissent, but she swallows it down. Catra is smart; she's analytical, she gets what makes people tick. And she doesn't have the kind of investment in this situation that Adora does, which may well be what this whole argument boils down to-- but then, it's probably what Adora needs most right now.
Just... Catra, here with her, pulling her from the murky waters of her mind with her solid grip and sharp tongue. She can't make that block of guilt in her chest disappear, but with her support, it's just that much easier to carry.
But the shared burden is clearly taking its toll on Catra, too.
"... Hey." On slightly wobbly legs, Adora slips off of Melog's back, to close the distance between her and Catra. She lifts a hand to cradle one soft, freckled cheek, and pulls her in to kiss her forehead.
She can tell how hard Catra's been trying for her. Even now, with both of them wrung-out and spent, with Adora bringing up their past when she really should know better -- and she does, she just got so frustrated for a moment that she couldn't help herself... even now, Catra's doing all she can to support her.
"Thank you, Catra. I'm really grateful for you. I just-- needed to say that."
She slouches against her with a quiet sigh, forehead coming to rest over Catra's slim shoulder.
"... I don't know what we should do. That's what scares me. I want to make things right with them, but I don't know if I can. At the very least, I... want to go back and talk with them again tomorrow."
Her hand falls away, gingerly searching for Catra's. "Could you come with me, please?"
She breathes a small sigh when Adora's lips meet her forehead, and Catra wraps her arms around her; a movement that she doesn't think about doing until her hands are already on her, holding Adora steady and close.
It's really weird to be thanked, and Catra's not sure what it's for. But she's always been hungry for Adora's attention; always yearned for the gratification of being noticed. So even though she's done nothing but make things worse tonight, Catra takes that gratitude and hoards it like a precious mineral that she's done nothing to deserve but is determined to keep anyway.
"Sure you want me there?" She asks, quiet and wry. She doesn't deny Adora's hand, adjusting to keep one arm wound around Adora's back so she can grasp it, her palm against the back of Adora's hand and long-nailed fingers curling protectively around hers. "You've got better options, you know." She presses the side of her head against Adora's, which all but buries her nose in Adora's jacket - and if Catra takes a deep breath, and if she's comforted by the familiar smell, that's her own business. But she won't be jealous if Adora decides to take Glimmer or Bow instead. Both of them have more experience in having families and peacefully resolving issues than Catra does. "I don't want to screw this up for you again."
Catra's not wrong. Adora doesn't imagine Glimmer or Bow would have reacted with anywhere near this kind of intensity, were they the ones to meet her family today. At the same time, though, she can't picture going through any of this without Catra.
And no matter how much has happened today, how much they've both struggled and cried-- she wouldn't want to.
"Well, but I like you," she answers lightly, angling her head to kiss Catra's cheek. "So I want you there."
With that, she pulls back, hand still gripping Catra's own.
"... Come on, I can see the ship. I want to go sleep for eight hundred years." Her smile quickly morphs into a grimace as she realizes: "And we gotta catch Glimmer and Bow up on everything... oof."
There's an uncontrolled, and entirely happy, curl and swish of her tail at Adora's simple answer. 'But I like you. I want you.'
(Not Adora's exact words. So what? Catra's never been ashamed to work with what she's given.)
And maybe the look in her eyes is a bit soft for a while, and maybe her heart's a little bit warmed and a little bit melty. It's just -- Adora chose her. Adora keeps choosing her, even when she really shouldn't.
And that matters.
"We could sneak in," Catra suggests, squeezing her hand. Melog trills a noise of support, stepping forward to twine around their legs already. It makes it difficult for her tail to brush against Adora's leg when Melog's in the way, but somehow, she manages. "I already told them you wouldn't be back tonight. They won't be expecting us."
It might have been a jealous decision she'd made to tell them that, when she'd had Adora's communicator and had been certain that Adora would be staying put and leaving Catra to go back alone. But it can work in their favour. Catra, for one, doesn't want to spend any more time vertical than she has to. And there's still the issue of her needing to properly wash out her fur, changing Adora's sodden bandages, hanging their clothes to dry... explaining to the others really could wait.
"That would be mean!" Adora protests, but her voice thins to a whine as she considers. "But I am sooooo tired..."
A tired Adora is more easily swayed, especially when it's a two-against-one deal. Kind of unfair that Catra's got a telepathically-bonded alien familiar to channel her feelings into.
"They won't be mad." And if they are, Catra will deal with them. She shifts her hand on Adora's, so she can stroke her fingers lightly down Adora's, quietly encouraging her to join Catra's side on this. "They'll be more upset if they think you're forcing yourself to stay awake just to talk to them."
Probably. Maybe. She doesn't actually know, she's just guessing. But if pretending like she's certain on it will help Adora decide to take some time out, then Catra's fine with that.
She doesn't want this to drag on, so Catra steps into Adora again, her free hand rising to brush across Adora's shoulder and then into the hair at the nape of her neck, pressing her down to bump their foreheads together lightly.
"Let's go to sleep, okay?" It's a quiet invitation. And just in case Adora needs the extra push, just in case she needs to feel like she's making this decision for somebody else, Catra adds in her own complaint: "I'm tired, too. I don't want to be awake any more."
"Okay, okay," Adora caves, the last of her resolve dissolving into dust. Catra is so very good at making it so very hard to say no, and frankly, Adora's legs are maybe fifteen minutes away from giving under her.
"-- But we're telling them first thing in the morning!" she declares, to alleviate her guilt.
And so they reach the ship and creep inside, as quickly and quietly as they're able-- and growing up in the Horde has ensured they're quite adept. Thankfully, their friends are all sound asleep by the time they're inside, one less reason for Adora to feel guilty.
(God, they've really been out there a while.)
They set about getting ready for bed, and because they're messes, it takes what feels like forever. By the end of it, Adora keeps fading in and out of sleep, selfishly letting Catra take care of her. Then she goes and sits on the floor outside the bathroom, waiting for Catra to wrangle the filth from her fur. Sleep catches up with her there, too, and she dozes off for a good few minutes, slouched against the door.
Its opening startles her awake, and Adora just narrowly avoids falling over. But she comes back to her senses quickly enough, looking up at Catra with a wide, lopsided smile. "Yaaay, you're done," she whispers, then sticks out both arms. "Help me up."
Cleaning out and drying her fur is always the worst, and always takes so long, but Catra's had her entire life to become adept at it. It still takes a good fifteen minutes to scrub and dry, and by the time she's done she's ready to not deal with water again for a month.
Whatever shampoo Glimmer stocked the ship with makes her fur weirdly soft and strangely fluffy, and Catra does spend a moment trying to smooth it back down before determining that she is far too tired to actually care. She'll fix it in the morning, whatever, she just wants to get to bed where Adora is already.
She doesn't even bother making any effort to tidy the bathroom, ignoring ingrained Horde protocol with a derisive sniff as she opens the door. It's the small things. Nobody's going to show up and lecture her if she doesn't wipe up the room.
And instead of being in bed, Adora's there. In front of the door. Looking up at her with a dumb, sleepy grin and holding out her arms for help.
"What--" She hisses incredulously, keeping her voice low, but her hands reach out for Adora's anyway to tug her up. "You idiot. Have you been out here this whole time?"
--She wouldn't have taken so long if she'd known. Adora was supposed to have been in bed, and preferably asleep.
There's a small grunt of effort as Adora flops onto her, and Catra almost stumbles before she shifts her feet to better hold the weight. With a sigh, she winds her arms around Adora's shoulders; partly to prevent her from slipping off, and partly just because she likes having her arms around her. It's nice.
She could complain about how Adora didn't tell her she'd wait outside, or complain about the soap being changed while they were out (--a petty revenge from Glimmer for going off-comms without warning, Catra's certain. Bow wouldn't have the guts to have done it.), or complain about how Adora's supposed to be in bed.
Instead she just runs the smooth backs of her nails gently down Adora's spine in the sort of stroke that Melog really loves, one hand after the other, until her arms are around Adora's waist. And then she raises the shoulder she's buried in, trying to dislodge her. Adora's clearly less than half a second away from passing out on her, and Catra doesn't have the muscle strength to carry her if she does.
"Come on," she urges quietly, nudging Adora to be on her side instead of her front. "Let's get to the bed before you crush me."
"Okaaay," Adora drawls sleepily, reluctantly detaching herself from Catra. She doesn't want to pull away from her ever, actually, but placates herself with the resolution to cling right back to her as soon as they're in bed.
And that she does. Now that they're finally clean and dry, out of their dirty clothes and bundled up in comfy blankets, there's absolutely nothing to stop her from wrapping all four limbs around Catra and nestling as close as she can. With both of them down to their underthings for sleep, Catra's fluffy fur brushes Adora's belly and legs, and she giggles softly as she settles against her.
Her heart feels warm and full.
But "you're the comfiest" is what she says aloud, words falling short.
---Adora snuggling her is not going to stop Catra from going outside and catching a small creature to release into Glimmer's bed in the morning. Just so that's clear.
But her tail does do a single, lazy bap against the firm mattress before it snakes over and around Adora's leg. Catra's arms wrap around her easily, and there's an unbidden purr in her chest as she curls into Adora, her fingers stroking idly wherever it is they've wound up. (She's too tired to figure it out. Adora is warm, and sleepy, and comfortable, and they've both had such A Day but it seems so far away from them, now that they're back here. Together.)
"Go to sleep." There's warmth in Catra's voice, and despite the order she's the one who nudges Adora's head so she can kiss her, light and sweet, before snuggling back down. Still, even though sleep sounds like the most amazing thing in the world right now, her eyes remain open; watching Adora with undisguised softness. "Dummy."
"I will," Adora hums in response, smiling ear to ear. Now that they're in bed, she's sure it'll be mere seconds from the moment she closes her eyes for sleep to claim her. But Catra feels so nice, and smells so good, and her smile is so warm that her eyes glow with it, and.
Adora doesn't want to fall asleep just yet.
She lifts one hand, scritching lightly at the corner of Catra's jaw, studying her face in the dark. Soft and unguarded, and beautiful.
She doesn't normally give in this easily to touches, but Catra finds her eyes sliding closed and her chin tilting as Adora's fingers scritch at her jaw, providing better access as a silent request for more.
And of course Adora still has something to say. She always has something to say. How many of their sleepovers in each-other's bunks had just been Adora whispering whatever came to mind until Catra was finally too asleep to respond?
"What is it?" If it's something Catra's going to have to wake up properly for, instead of murmuring back half-asleep responses, she might actually have to kill her.
Catra doesn't need to be more awake than this. Adora likes her this way just fine-- how pliable she is beneath her hand, the slow fluttering of those dark lashes. The air in the room is thick with syrupy sleepiness, and Adora finds that it's comforting, makes it easier to lend her thoughts voice.
Her fingers keep rubbing at the that spot under Catra's jaw, offering quiet affection as she speaks. She knows it'll sound odd to bring up now, but she wants to. She really wants to.
"... Back in the Heart," Adora begins slowly, as if to give the words their proper weight, "when I was about to slip away, I... was dreaming. I saw the four of us in the Bright Moon castle, a long time from now. We were gonna go to a ball-- Scorpia's ball, and Glimmer was trying to brush your hair and you wouldn't let her, and Bow had to keep the peace-- obviously." She laughs, low and soft, the image still so vivid in her head.
"And you turned to me, and held out your hand, and I... I think that's the first time in my whole life I ever pictured a future for myself. Not as a Horde soldier, or as She-ra, but just... me. And I wanted it so badly. I've never wanted anything more."
It still makes her chest ache, recalling the sight of Catra in that dream: taller and deeper-voiced with age, so pretty and elegant, all decked out in colors to match Adora's own. And smiling, open and assured, with the walls she'd spent years building knocked long down. Happy, and safe, and hers.
Adora's hand slows to a still, too engrossed in the memory to keep up its movements. Recalling it is more overwhelming than she'd anticipated, and her voice begins to shake a little, dampness gathering in the corners of her eyes.
"You were so beautiful, Catra. And when I heard you call out to me then, asking me to stay, I realized that-- that if I just hang on, maybe I really could have a chance at that future. With you." She blinks hard, through a wide, watery smile. "I think that saved me."
A few brazen tears spill loose despite her efforts, and she quickly reaches up to wipe at her eyes. Adora feels silly. She hadn't meant to cry.
"-- Anyway, it's just." She draws in a steadying breath, shaking her head at herself. "When we had that fight earlier, I was thinking that I wanted you to know that. That's all."
Adora's fingers are so nice, and she's so warm, and she's firm and real in Catra's arms and it's just. It's so nice. It's really nice. It's nice to be laying curled up with Adora and Adora curled up with her, instead of Catra curled up at her feet. And Catra's brain may be melting a little into sleep as her purr climbs up into her throat.
Then she hears the words the Heart, and the purr cuts off. When Catra's eyes slit open, they're intense and newly alert, and her tail twitches with agitation on Adora's leg. Nothing good could come of the topic.
...Except then Adora goes into it, and Catra's eyes widen by increments until she's fully awake, hanging on Adora's every word as she explains the dream she'd had while her body was heavy and failing in Catra's arms. The dream that would have been her last thoughts, if Catra's words hadn't - miraculously - gotten through to her.
Catra's hands spasm, and then drag up Adora's back to fist in the fabric covering her shoulders. She hates remembering that she'd come so close to losing her. She hates knowing exactly how near a thing it had been.
It terrifies her that if she hadn't begged so fiercely for Adora to stay with her, her life would have ended in that fantasy.
Her laugh is shaky when Adora finishes, and it matches the tremble in her arms as she - okay, clings to Adora.
"Is that your idea of a bedtime story?" She asks, and it's supposed to lighten the mood but her voice cracks, and then she has to remove her arm from around Adora to rub at her own aggressively watering eyes. Because she was a part of the future Adora wanted. She was a part of that future before she'd cried that desperate stream of words into her, she was a part of that future even after all of the things she'd done.
She doesn't even mind sharing that future with Bow and Glimmer. She's there. Adora wants her there, and wanted her there even before she knew Catra could be. Before she knew she would be. It soothes the fear and insecurity in her heart, the wonder if - despite all evidence to the contrary - Adora never actually wanted her. If she was just convenient, or just a stand-by. Just a distraction until someone better came along.
"You're an idiot," she laughs again, watery because her eyes just won't stop, and she doesn't know if she's choking the insult at herself or Adora and so it bears repeating, one time for each of them: "You're such an idiot."
"I know," Adora laughs, too, and now they're both laughing and crying and it's ridiculous, really, but her heart is bursting with warmth at the seams, threatening to overflow. She's caught between wiping away Catra's tears and her own, but new ones just keep on coming anyway, so she finally gives up and focuses on kissing Catra instead. Her cheeks, her forehead, her jaw, her lips. Everywhere Adora can reach.
"I love you so much. And I want to get really, super old with you, and go to all the princess balls with you," she murmurs, hearing the childishness to her own voice and not caring. "Can we?"
Adora's lips tickle, and she won't stay in one place so that Catra can kiss her back any of the times she lands on her lips, and her eyes are too filled with tears and too covered by the rubbing of her hand to be able to track her, and somehow all of this just makes Catra laugh more. And she can't understand why her eyes are still doing this, why she feels so free and like her chest is filled with something light and fuzzy, until she realizes: she's happy. She's so happy, she's crying from it.
"Yes," she says emphatically; through the laughter and hitches of breath. There's no hope for the tears, not now she's realized what they're coming from, so she gives up on rubbing them away. Instead she catches Adora's cheek in her hand, and slips her hand up into her hair to keep her in place, and tries not to let too many tears spill. "I'll go to your stupid balls, and I'll hang out with your stupid friends." Their friends. If she's getting carried away by this sudden feeling of optimism, then she'll admit it. Catra wants to be friends with them, too. "--But I'm not letting Sparkles brush my stupid hair. She'll get--" her shoulders shake with laughter again, for no good reason because this really is a peeve of hers that nobody else takes seriously; "--glitter all over it. And you'll have to deal with that."
Because Adora will be there. Because Adora will be with her. Because Adora wants to be with her. Because Adora has wanted to be with her from apparently the moment she started imagining a future for herself. (Which, granted - a very recent thing. It still counts.)
"Okay. That-- that sounds like a plan," Adora answers with a stuttering giggle, mirroring Catra by cupping her cheeks in return. They spend a moment like this, just watching each other with big, dumb smiles on their faces, tears falling unrestrained.
And then Adora just has to lean in and kiss her again-- properly on the lips this time, open-mouthed and lingering, their quivery breaths intertwining.
When she pulls back, her tears have stopped at last, but her eyes shimmer still as she whispers: "Thank you."
Adora finally, finally kisses her; and it feels like that first time, the way that Catra's lungs stop and restart, the way that Adora's breath ghosts against her tingling lips.
She pulls away too soon, and Catra follows her; barely giving her time to whisper before kissing her again, pressing all of her love and joy into her lips, willing Adora to understand her without words.
She gets it, now, why Adora's become so inclined to kiss her all over. Catra isn't there yet - doesn't know when she'll reach the point of being able to deliver those small expressions of love and affection - but maybe she'll learn. Maybe in their future, she'll be as free with those gestures as Adora is. Maybe it'll be her peppering kisses all over Adora's face, maybe it'll be her drying Adora's hair. She wants to do those things. She doesn't know why she can't.
But for now, this is what she has. Just these brushes and presses of her lips against Adora's (I love you), just her trembling hand in Adora's hair (I've always loved you), just her grasping fingers at Adora's back (I always want to be with you).
"I love you," she breathes against Adora's lips. And then kisses her again, because words are hard and Adora's lips are soft, and Catra knows which one she prefers.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morethanadistraction) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
boxitup2020-05-31 09:58 pm
no subject
She's got no grounds to act like anything they did is her responsibility.
"Does it matter what they think of Mara?" It's an important question. If making the First Ones - if making Adora's parents - understand is something that Adora needs to do, then Catra will put everything she has into making it happen. "...You're different people, Adora. You know that, don't you? Whatever issue they have, that's with Mara. It isn't with you."
no subject
But she can't.
"It's not that simple, Catra. Even if we're different, we're both still She-ra, and..." She releases the admission on a sigh, so heavy it slumps her shoulders. "I believe she was right. She was faced with an impossible decision, and she made the least destructive choice. If it were me back then, I can't imagine doing anything different."
Adora's back straightens as she speaks, body growing rigid with conviction. "I mean, I shattered the sword. I disabled the Heart. I didn't want to be a pawn in the First Ones' plans any more than Mara did. So if to them, she's a traitor, I'm... just as bad."
no subject
Because she makes enough bad choices on her own without taking his on too, thank you.
no subject
She trips over her own thoughts in her fluster, struggling to explain the gravity of the situation to the person closest to her, who, from her flat expression, simply does not seem to get why this is a big deal.
"You heard the way they talked about She-ra. What I believe, what I know to be true, those things don't matter. It's not about Mara being bad, or me being bad -- I know why things happened the way they did. But I can explain our reasoning to them until I'm blue in the face and it won't change a thing. It won't undo what their people went through. It won't take their pain away."
She pushes the words out in a rushed, fervent stream, each one scraping against her sandpaper-throat. An idle thought surfaces: I wish we'd stayed for tea, but she quickly stamps it down.
"Look--... Don't you get it?" She searches Catra's eyes, halfway to pleading. "It was the same for you, too."
no subject
Catra closes her eyes. She really just -- wants to go home.
"No, it wasn't." The softness of her voice keeps it from scratching. Catra's pace slows, and then stops; it takes Melog a couple more steps before they do the same, turning in a semi-circle to face her. She meets Adora's eyes again, and tries to will her to get it. "That was personal. That was-- It wasn't because of stories, Adora. We actually did things to each-other."
Isn't that the understatement of the century.
"It was because I was an idiot." She exhales a long breath, one that's more drained than annoyed, and raises a hand to rub the fur around her eyes in frustration. "And it didn't take me a thousand years to get over it. These people don't even know what it was like for the First Ones. They're not hurting," and it's a real issue, that Adora can't see that; "they're jealous. They've heard stories about what their ancestors had and they think they're entitled to it. They don't actually care about what happened. They only care that they feel like they've been cheated out of having something better than what they've got."
So, actually. Maybe not that different after all.
"...What do you want us to do, Adora?" Catra's hand drops, so she can look at her again, and she just. She doesn't know how to help. She's trying to hold up her end of their promise but it's hard, and harder still when she fundamentally disagrees with Adora's reasoning. So maybe it's time to stop trying to argue the point and just - go with it, for a while. Try to untangle the issues along the way. Isn't that what a friend does? "I'll help you, so just -- tell me, okay?"
no subject
Just... Catra, here with her, pulling her from the murky waters of her mind with her solid grip and sharp tongue. She can't make that block of guilt in her chest disappear, but with her support, it's just that much easier to carry.
But the shared burden is clearly taking its toll on Catra, too.
"... Hey." On slightly wobbly legs, Adora slips off of Melog's back, to close the distance between her and Catra. She lifts a hand to cradle one soft, freckled cheek, and pulls her in to kiss her forehead.
She can tell how hard Catra's been trying for her. Even now, with both of them wrung-out and spent, with Adora bringing up their past when she really should know better -- and she does, she just got so frustrated for a moment that she couldn't help herself... even now, Catra's doing all she can to support her.
"Thank you, Catra. I'm really grateful for you. I just-- needed to say that."
She slouches against her with a quiet sigh, forehead coming to rest over Catra's slim shoulder.
"... I don't know what we should do. That's what scares me. I want to make things right with them, but I don't know if I can. At the very least, I... want to go back and talk with them again tomorrow."
Her hand falls away, gingerly searching for Catra's. "Could you come with me, please?"
no subject
It's really weird to be thanked, and Catra's not sure what it's for. But she's always been hungry for Adora's attention; always yearned for the gratification of being noticed. So even though she's done nothing but make things worse tonight, Catra takes that gratitude and hoards it like a precious mineral that she's done nothing to deserve but is determined to keep anyway.
"Sure you want me there?" She asks, quiet and wry. She doesn't deny Adora's hand, adjusting to keep one arm wound around Adora's back so she can grasp it, her palm against the back of Adora's hand and long-nailed fingers curling protectively around hers. "You've got better options, you know." She presses the side of her head against Adora's, which all but buries her nose in Adora's jacket - and if Catra takes a deep breath, and if she's comforted by the familiar smell, that's her own business. But she won't be jealous if Adora decides to take Glimmer or Bow instead. Both of them have more experience in having families and peacefully resolving issues than Catra does. "I don't want to screw this up for you again."
no subject
And no matter how much has happened today, how much they've both struggled and cried-- she wouldn't want to.
"Well, but I like you," she answers lightly, angling her head to kiss Catra's cheek. "So I want you there."
With that, she pulls back, hand still gripping Catra's own.
"... Come on, I can see the ship. I want to go sleep for eight hundred years." Her smile quickly morphs into a grimace as she realizes: "And we gotta catch Glimmer and Bow up on everything... oof."
no subject
(Not Adora's exact words. So what? Catra's never been ashamed to work with what she's given.)
And maybe the look in her eyes is a bit soft for a while, and maybe her heart's a little bit warmed and a little bit melty. It's just -- Adora chose her. Adora keeps choosing her, even when she really shouldn't.
And that matters.
"We could sneak in," Catra suggests, squeezing her hand. Melog trills a noise of support, stepping forward to twine around their legs already. It makes it difficult for her tail to brush against Adora's leg when Melog's in the way, but somehow, she manages. "I already told them you wouldn't be back tonight. They won't be expecting us."
It might have been a jealous decision she'd made to tell them that, when she'd had Adora's communicator and had been certain that Adora would be staying put and leaving Catra to go back alone. But it can work in their favour. Catra, for one, doesn't want to spend any more time vertical than she has to. And there's still the issue of her needing to properly wash out her fur, changing Adora's sodden bandages, hanging their clothes to dry... explaining to the others really could wait.
no subject
A tired Adora is more easily swayed, especially when it's a two-against-one deal. Kind of unfair that Catra's got a telepathically-bonded alien familiar to channel her feelings into.
"Ugh, they're gonna be maaaad..."
no subject
Probably. Maybe. She doesn't actually know, she's just guessing. But if pretending like she's certain on it will help Adora decide to take some time out, then Catra's fine with that.
She doesn't want this to drag on, so Catra steps into Adora again, her free hand rising to brush across Adora's shoulder and then into the hair at the nape of her neck, pressing her down to bump their foreheads together lightly.
"Let's go to sleep, okay?" It's a quiet invitation. And just in case Adora needs the extra push, just in case she needs to feel like she's making this decision for somebody else, Catra adds in her own complaint: "I'm tired, too. I don't want to be awake any more."
no subject
"-- But we're telling them first thing in the morning!" she declares, to alleviate her guilt.
And so they reach the ship and creep inside, as quickly and quietly as they're able-- and growing up in the Horde has ensured they're quite adept. Thankfully, their friends are all sound asleep by the time they're inside, one less reason for Adora to feel guilty.
(God, they've really been out there a while.)
They set about getting ready for bed, and because they're messes, it takes what feels like forever. By the end of it, Adora keeps fading in and out of sleep, selfishly letting Catra take care of her. Then she goes and sits on the floor outside the bathroom, waiting for Catra to wrangle the filth from her fur. Sleep catches up with her there, too, and she dozes off for a good few minutes, slouched against the door.
Its opening startles her awake, and Adora just narrowly avoids falling over. But she comes back to her senses quickly enough, looking up at Catra with a wide, lopsided smile. "Yaaay, you're done," she whispers, then sticks out both arms. "Help me up."
no subject
Whatever shampoo Glimmer stocked the ship with makes her fur weirdly soft and strangely fluffy, and Catra does spend a moment trying to smooth it back down before determining that she is far too tired to actually care. She'll fix it in the morning, whatever, she just wants to get to bed where Adora is already.
She doesn't even bother making any effort to tidy the bathroom, ignoring ingrained Horde protocol with a derisive sniff as she opens the door. It's the small things. Nobody's going to show up and lecture her if she doesn't wipe up the room.
And instead of being in bed, Adora's there. In front of the door. Looking up at her with a dumb, sleepy grin and holding out her arms for help.
"What--" She hisses incredulously, keeping her voice low, but her hands reach out for Adora's anyway to tug her up. "You idiot. Have you been out here this whole time?"
--She wouldn't have taken so long if she'd known. Adora was supposed to have been in bed, and preferably asleep.
no subject
Arms wrapping around Catra's back, Adora buries her face in her shoulder with a happy sigh. "Oooh, you're fluffy."
no subject
She could complain about how Adora didn't tell her she'd wait outside, or complain about the soap being changed while they were out (--a petty revenge from Glimmer for going off-comms without warning, Catra's certain. Bow wouldn't have the guts to have done it.), or complain about how Adora's supposed to be in bed.
Instead she just runs the smooth backs of her nails gently down Adora's spine in the sort of stroke that Melog really loves, one hand after the other, until her arms are around Adora's waist. And then she raises the shoulder she's buried in, trying to dislodge her. Adora's clearly less than half a second away from passing out on her, and Catra doesn't have the muscle strength to carry her if she does.
"Come on," she urges quietly, nudging Adora to be on her side instead of her front. "Let's get to the bed before you crush me."
no subject
And that she does. Now that they're finally clean and dry, out of their dirty clothes and bundled up in comfy blankets, there's absolutely nothing to stop her from wrapping all four limbs around Catra and nestling as close as she can. With both of them down to their underthings for sleep, Catra's fluffy fur brushes Adora's belly and legs, and she giggles softly as she settles against her.
Her heart feels warm and full.
But "you're the comfiest" is what she says aloud, words falling short.
no subject
But her tail does do a single, lazy bap against the firm mattress before it snakes over and around Adora's leg. Catra's arms wrap around her easily, and there's an unbidden purr in her chest as she curls into Adora, her fingers stroking idly wherever it is they've wound up. (She's too tired to figure it out. Adora is warm, and sleepy, and comfortable, and they've both had such A Day but it seems so far away from them, now that they're back here. Together.)
"Go to sleep." There's warmth in Catra's voice, and despite the order she's the one who nudges Adora's head so she can kiss her, light and sweet, before snuggling back down. Still, even though sleep sounds like the most amazing thing in the world right now, her eyes remain open; watching Adora with undisguised softness. "Dummy."
no subject
Adora doesn't want to fall asleep just yet.
She lifts one hand, scritching lightly at the corner of Catra's jaw, studying her face in the dark. Soft and unguarded, and beautiful.
There's one more thing.
"... I need to tell you something."
no subject
And of course Adora still has something to say. She always has something to say. How many of their sleepovers in each-other's bunks had just been Adora whispering whatever came to mind until Catra was finally too asleep to respond?
"What is it?" If it's something Catra's going to have to wake up properly for, instead of murmuring back half-asleep responses, she might actually have to kill her.
no subject
Her fingers keep rubbing at the that spot under Catra's jaw, offering quiet affection as she speaks. She knows it'll sound odd to bring up now, but she wants to. She really wants to.
"... Back in the Heart," Adora begins slowly, as if to give the words their proper weight, "when I was about to slip away, I... was dreaming. I saw the four of us in the Bright Moon castle, a long time from now. We were gonna go to a ball-- Scorpia's ball, and Glimmer was trying to brush your hair and you wouldn't let her, and Bow had to keep the peace-- obviously." She laughs, low and soft, the image still so vivid in her head.
"And you turned to me, and held out your hand, and I... I think that's the first time in my whole life I ever pictured a future for myself. Not as a Horde soldier, or as She-ra, but just... me. And I wanted it so badly. I've never wanted anything more."
It still makes her chest ache, recalling the sight of Catra in that dream: taller and deeper-voiced with age, so pretty and elegant, all decked out in colors to match Adora's own. And smiling, open and assured, with the walls she'd spent years building knocked long down. Happy, and safe, and hers.
Adora's hand slows to a still, too engrossed in the memory to keep up its movements. Recalling it is more overwhelming than she'd anticipated, and her voice begins to shake a little, dampness gathering in the corners of her eyes.
"You were so beautiful, Catra. And when I heard you call out to me then, asking me to stay, I realized that-- that if I just hang on, maybe I really could have a chance at that future. With you." She blinks hard, through a wide, watery smile. "I think that saved me."
A few brazen tears spill loose despite her efforts, and she quickly reaches up to wipe at her eyes. Adora feels silly. She hadn't meant to cry.
"-- Anyway, it's just." She draws in a steadying breath, shaking her head at herself. "When we had that fight earlier, I was thinking that I wanted you to know that. That's all."
no subject
Then she hears the words the Heart, and the purr cuts off. When Catra's eyes slit open, they're intense and newly alert, and her tail twitches with agitation on Adora's leg. Nothing good could come of the topic.
...Except then Adora goes into it, and Catra's eyes widen by increments until she's fully awake, hanging on Adora's every word as she explains the dream she'd had while her body was heavy and failing in Catra's arms. The dream that would have been her last thoughts, if Catra's words hadn't - miraculously - gotten through to her.
Catra's hands spasm, and then drag up Adora's back to fist in the fabric covering her shoulders. She hates remembering that she'd come so close to losing her. She hates knowing exactly how near a thing it had been.
It terrifies her that if she hadn't begged so fiercely for Adora to stay with her, her life would have ended in that fantasy.
Her laugh is shaky when Adora finishes, and it matches the tremble in her arms as she - okay, clings to Adora.
"Is that your idea of a bedtime story?" She asks, and it's supposed to lighten the mood but her voice cracks, and then she has to remove her arm from around Adora to rub at her own aggressively watering eyes. Because she was a part of the future Adora wanted. She was a part of that future before she'd cried that desperate stream of words into her, she was a part of that future even after all of the things she'd done.
She doesn't even mind sharing that future with Bow and Glimmer. She's there. Adora wants her there, and wanted her there even before she knew Catra could be. Before she knew she would be. It soothes the fear and insecurity in her heart, the wonder if - despite all evidence to the contrary - Adora never actually wanted her. If she was just convenient, or just a stand-by. Just a distraction until someone better came along.
"You're an idiot," she laughs again, watery because her eyes just won't stop, and she doesn't know if she's choking the insult at herself or Adora and so it bears repeating, one time for each of them: "You're such an idiot."
no subject
"I love you so much. And I want to get really, super old with you, and go to all the princess balls with you," she murmurs, hearing the childishness to her own voice and not caring. "Can we?"
no subject
"Yes," she says emphatically; through the laughter and hitches of breath. There's no hope for the tears, not now she's realized what they're coming from, so she gives up on rubbing them away. Instead she catches Adora's cheek in her hand, and slips her hand up into her hair to keep her in place, and tries not to let too many tears spill. "I'll go to your stupid balls, and I'll hang out with your stupid friends." Their friends. If she's getting carried away by this sudden feeling of optimism, then she'll admit it. Catra wants to be friends with them, too. "--But I'm not letting Sparkles brush my stupid hair. She'll get--" her shoulders shake with laughter again, for no good reason because this really is a peeve of hers that nobody else takes seriously; "--glitter all over it. And you'll have to deal with that."
Because Adora will be there. Because Adora will be with her. Because Adora wants to be with her. Because Adora has wanted to be with her from apparently the moment she started imagining a future for herself. (Which, granted - a very recent thing. It still counts.)
no subject
And then Adora just has to lean in and kiss her again-- properly on the lips this time, open-mouthed and lingering, their quivery breaths intertwining.
When she pulls back, her tears have stopped at last, but her eyes shimmer still as she whispers: "Thank you."
no subject
She pulls away too soon, and Catra follows her; barely giving her time to whisper before kissing her again, pressing all of her love and joy into her lips, willing Adora to understand her without words.
She gets it, now, why Adora's become so inclined to kiss her all over. Catra isn't there yet - doesn't know when she'll reach the point of being able to deliver those small expressions of love and affection - but maybe she'll learn. Maybe in their future, she'll be as free with those gestures as Adora is. Maybe it'll be her peppering kisses all over Adora's face, maybe it'll be her drying Adora's hair. She wants to do those things. She doesn't know why she can't.
But for now, this is what she has. Just these brushes and presses of her lips against Adora's (I love you), just her trembling hand in Adora's hair (I've always loved you), just her grasping fingers at Adora's back (I always want to be with you).
"I love you," she breathes against Adora's lips. And then kisses her again, because words are hard and Adora's lips are soft, and Catra knows which one she prefers.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)